All that's good and bad about Halloween

Normally I would post something like this in my livejournal, but idk why I feel like updating this with my surprisingly long Halloween day not so much night but I'm up this late. I'm not even sure why, maybe because I feel a new resolution in me and my mom is out late on a date. eh anyways
Seriously getting my SAT scores this week ruined my weekend and my whole
My whole weekend pretty much revolved around my doomed future and my fail SAT scores that Halloween just made it worst. I mean when I first saw my score I tried to be positive about and see that it's still possible for me to get into a decent college with it. I knew SJ would get a good score so I didn't mind. But Han just had to talk about college and her score on Friday when I was still trying to forget about until after Halloween. She kept complaining about her score and her lack of money for college which made me realize is it really that hard to come with money for college? I realize yes especially for her, but I for sure cant get many scholarships. She made me feel like I have such a small chance of getting into a decent college or the college of my dreams for that matters. I hate the whole college application and academic process that makes us too competitive sometimes and I feel so reduced to just a number such as my darn GPA and my all knowing SAT score that in fact say nothing about me other than crap about me why do we even bother with it?
I feel so bad about myself just because of a few numbers? that say I'm not good enough because it's not high enough yet I need to strive for the perfect score and I fail completely short of it. How amI supposed to feel now? Oh yes hopeless. I don't think that badly of a cc, but I just dont' like thinking of myself as going to such a place. But Han made it seem that way and I thought about what she said about going to CSULB to for two years and then transferring to a better UC, but then I would still have to maintain a pretty high GPA in order to transfer not that I wouldnt' try naturally but god how much lower do i have to sink seriously.
However I loved my outfit on Friday and my costume was recognized, it's so cool howthe bones on the shirt are extended by my black leggings almost like bones hehe i wish I really need to begin working out some more. And the pep rally was damn lame. jeezus
When my dad picked me up I always know the topic of conversation College yay my favorite topic since I got into high school. It began like this so what is my SAT score? It went up good right? How much? only 100/10 points It's now only 1710 sad pathetic what did all my preperation do? nothing gawd i'm doomed for failure from the start. Well obviously he just told me what I already knew and how I should've tried to study harder wtih his books. As if books help they dont at all since they just put me to sleep and I just dont think that pushing a bunch of books at me is good enough. Im really not that smart but I try and I fail so pathetic. My dad could've actaully been around more often to help guide me along gosh.

So ever since everyone on friday kept talkiing about college and SAT scores, I feel so depressed and hopeless. My SAT scores should be so much better after how hard I tried to do well on them. I feel horrible that my gpa is low, my SAT score is low, i lack in good extra curriculers and my personal statements so far have been blah It's like where can I get into collge anymore?
Gawd I feel so lame pathetic etc I have no future thanks to my friends and dad unless I get into a good college There's no point in living anymore I"ll have done is for nothing and for no good It'll get me no where.
Now if only I could retake the SATs again hmm....I can it's next week on the day of my cousins wedding. Why does she always plan her wedding around the SATs and things like that. I even missed her dam hoi just to study for the SATs , which I still failed and I felt bad for ditching but I had to try. I feel so helpless in the prospect of my future that I have to try to something to salvage it I would've taken it next week if i hadn't changed to go to the wedding. Now I 've decided to sign up for it the day of and skip part of my cousins wedding. Why am I trying so hard? I"m like destined to be a failure. I cried over it so much that it might just make me feel better to take it agian and try harder oh dear god. I'm horrible I'm mising my own cousins wedding to take a stupid test. How bad is this gonna turn out?
So that's the dilema that took up most of my saturday afternoon of Halloween. Crying about my hoepless life and future. I really wanted to forget yesterday but I had to freakin think about it what the hell am i gonna do with my life if ti's like controlled by sat scores and gpas. And then I had to get ready for trick or treating that I promised to meeat mish at bella terra at 4 so it looked like i was with her the whole time.